Memory of the Holocaust Flora Hogman, Ph.D. Mrs. L. says: "I want to give more a sense of tradition, not religion, remember the good and happy times." She found her own way to maintain her heritage; she has become famous for the cabbage she serves on holidays; she is proud to say the prayers in four languages; but she also wants her daughter to be part of American society; she celebrates Xmas with friends. Interestingly, her 6-year-old daughter doesn't want to learn the four questions for the Seder, and is opposed to joining the yeshiva her mother wants her to attend. Mother is upset about that. Mrs. S. has not decided yet what to do about her son's Judaism, maybe she will take him to a reformed synagogue. But she wants to have nothing to do with Yom Hashoah, she emphasizes. Right now they have an American life, many non-Jewish friends. She lights the candles for Hanukkah, and he celebrates Xmas at his friends'. He is 4 years old. Some women perhaps made use of Christian holidays as a buffer between them and the Holocaust. Mrs. L. says "We gave Xmas presents to our daughter because we wanted to be American; my family was too Jewish, too different, too separate." Too much empathy for parents' suffering can be problematic for third generation people. Mrs. D., for whom wartime events were "bedtime stories," expressed entire empathy for her parents' suffering: "My mother was soft-spoken, demure, I put myself in her place; I can't imagine her going through all that; I was sorry for the struggle she went through. I am angry at American Jews who did nothing." Growing up, she never had a sense of being different, "because we grew up in a circle of survivors, we had a bond." She had to fight the prejudice of a group of Italian American youths, and that also brought her closer to her family. Now she is a mother of two children, aged 3 and 5, and tells them they must not fight, they must love each other since their parents may not always be around . . . "If something happens to Mommy and Daddy, they are all they have in the world and must take care of each other. It is sadder to lose a person than a toy." "If my son doesn't want to eat we tell him how Nanny had to eat potato peel, and was hit by bad people. I don't want to scare him. It was just part of my growing up. I don't know if I was scared." She believes she has not discussed the Holocaust with them. She says, "I don't want my relatives to have died in vain; I want my son to know his ancestors died for their religion. I want my children to know it can happen again." One can easily be concerned that unconsciously she is transmitting Holocaust fears to her children. In trying to isolate variables responsible for positive feelings about Judaism the following came up: second generation who expressed pride in being Jewish were also proud of their parents, or of a relative. One woman expressed total empathy for her family's suffering. Two people called the events their bedtime stories, their fairy tales. It is possible that, in some cases, parents (first generation) happened to get along well. One woman expressed relief that her uncle allowed her not to hate the Germans (but not admire them), thus decreasing the need for ambivalence and conflict. Conversely, the different dynamics behind negative feelings towards Judaism seem to include a combination of an unhappy home together with a feeling of being overwhelmed by parents' pain, the inability to enjoy "neutral holidays" (always reminded of someone who died), and availing oneself of the future outlook offered by American culture. Mrs. R., who was accused by her parents, because of her behavior, of managing to do what Hitler hadn't, that is, to kill them, became an ardent advocate of American life, of a focus on the future, of obliterating the past. Two children of survivors objected to what they considered the hypocrisy in their parents' relationship to Judaism. How could they be so pious after suffering so much? Evolution in Parents Regarding Judaism and Perception of Their Parents It is essential to underscore that, no matter how conflicted those people were about being Jewish, they eventually felt they must in some way honor their Jewish heritage. A common theme was a fear of betraying the dead, or allowing Hitler to win in the end, together with the need not to sever one's roots. Mrs. S., whose son is undergoing the "normal American existence," expressed the wish that he would do better than she with his Jewish identity; she admits her love-hate relationship to Judaism. Clearly, as their children grew up, the parents evolved in their views about Judaism, their own parents and their values; they eventually became stronger as Jews. However different their views about Judaism were from their original family, they still looked for a way to continue the heritage. Helen's mother says "I have not developed the exalted part of being a Jew; I am afraid it separated the family from others; it caused my whole family to disappear." She struggled to develop a Jewish identity when she brought up her daughter. "We have Jewish jokes; the way we talk, like in cartoons, it is fun in an endearing way." She made sporadic but inconsistent attempts to join a synagogue. However, they talk about Judaism constantly at home. One agnostic woman who married a Christian has made a film about the Holocaust to familiarize herself with her past. In this way, she can help her daughter understand her Jewish origins, and herself connect with them. When Helen read Anne Frank, in the 4th grade, her mother very shakily told her about the war and of her grandparents' experiences. It was the first time she ever spoke about it. She wanted to tell her daughter that her grandparents were very strong, to be proud of them. The woman had been very ashamed of them when she was growing up and she saw them as victims. Mrs. L., always embattled with her survivor father because of his selfishness, now concedes his strength, which she feels she may have inherited. Bringing up the War Clearly many parents hesitated to bring up the war with their children. Some never spoke about it; some waited for school or the grandparents to do it, or for the children to ask questions. Some brought it up frequently, some in bits and pieces. But the children I spoke to all said "they always knew." When the story of the war is told, there is a tendency to glamorize the ancestors. History often becomes adventure. Most parents don't talk about the violence, and want to protect the children more than they themselves had felt protected. As we saw above, Mrs. D. brought up the story of the Holocaust indirectly while educating her young children, and may have induced fears in her children of early loss of parents; others who avoid talking about it induce fears also. One mother didn't allow her son to listen to the grandfather who told his war story in a school. She was right to consider how her son might have interpreted this prohibition. Thus, although sometimes second generation people think they don't tell, they tell without telling. Loss The question of how second generation deal with death and separation is tied in with the whole question of bringing up the war. Mrs. L. avoids talking about death with her daughter. When the child's goldfish died, mother said it had gone back to the sea. In one particular family the topic of death is usually avoided, especially with grandparents. One mother expresses fears of separation, never allows her daughter to sleep at friends' houses. In contrast, another does not want to impart separation fears to her son in the way they were imparted to her. Values In general, second generation persons say they take the lessons of the Holocaust into account: they value tolerance, caring about people, doing your best, offering something. They want to trust others. Yet there is a mixed feeling about trust. As Jews, they continue to feel vulnerable and apprehensive. Another important lesson of the Holocaust is standing up for oneself. Second generation persons were specifically asked how they educated their children about victimization and humiliation. Here are the ways different parents felt they had dealt with these issues: l. Rejecting the third generation notion of the victimization of the Jews; here and now emphasis; future emphasis; taking on American culture. Such an outlook often engendered conflicts about Judaism 2. Considering the positive aspect of Judaism; an involvment with Israel; seeing Judaism as a religion that affirms life. No betrayal of Judaism, carrying on defiantly 3. Casting about for Jewish heroes for instance at Entebbe; showing one can fight back; talking about people who fought back in the Holocaust; teaching children the parents are strong, not victims. Israel becomes the symbol of assertiveness and pride as a Jew. 4. Separating Judaism from the Holocaust. 5. Embellishing ancestor stories. 6. Immortality by securing fame for their children. Mrs. R. dreams of her daughter becoming the first woman President. Teaching children to assert themselves. (This takes the form of feminism in two families with daughters.) [Page 4 of 5]