Memory of the Holocaust Flora Hogman, Ph.D. Sixteen-year old Helen appears demure. She is an only child; she lives a very good life in a big, plush apartment; she is a very good student in a private school. The Holocaust she says is in the back of her head. "I am more remote from it; I think I always knew what it was; I don't remember finding out; it was some kind of war, I knew my family was hiding from the police; I knew it was bad. My grandfather usually tells his adventures, but not the sad stories." She is not sure what it means to be a Jew. Her mother was not brought up in a religious family. She feels isolated because of that. "In a temple we feel great to be with other Jews, it's like a family, but we feel isolated because we are not used to it." They only go occasionally. She still tries to distance Judaism from the Holocaust. "It shouldn't be about that being Jewish is something you are born into; it is your birthright to be Jewish; I feel good about it because my family is Jewish, it brings us together, it's special. I like the traditions, parents doting on children." The only impact of the Holocaust, she feels, is in the way she thinks about her family and her religion; a family is precious; there is a sadness to it, she can't imagine a family in the past, it feels like a big hole. She is impressed by her grandfather, the strongest person in the world, and feels she must excel in life, be as good as him and her mother; they are invulnerable even if she isn't. She feels sorry for her mother she says because she thinks mother wants her to feel sorry for her. She somehow feels disconnected from the Holocaust while she knows she is supposed to feel connected. Interestingly she once was attracted to Christianity when she attended a Christian school, because of its values and sense of community, and no traditions of being persecuted. She is afraid to go to Germany but doesn't feel threatened in America as a Jew. Her view of Israel is non-committal. She feels she is an American. Her mother explains why Helen's Jewish identity is so diffused. "When we grew up my parents never talked about "it." I asked and asked. They didn't want me to catch it. They wanted me to be assimilated." She only found out about her mother's past when she made her speak in front of her therapist before mother died of cancer. "It" included Holocaust events and Jewish traditions. She wanted to be slapped by her mother when she started to menstruate. Mother refused: "My parents never taught me any religious practises." Her mother never discussed the topic with her though that was what Helen wanted. "She couldn't - she doesn't have the words to convey it, she says to me, so she made a bath with rose petals to welcome me into womanhood." "I felt sorry because my daughter wanted to be part of the clan. I want to make her feel we are on a path; I taught her Yiddish; I told her stories about her grandfather." She trembled telling her the Holocaust story of her family when Helen was ill; she had never spoken about it before. The mother has complex feelings: "I didn't want to identify myself with the losers. I identified with the Germans, believe it or not. Firstly, I didn't want anybody to know about me; on the one hand it was a badge of honor; I also wanted to protect my parents' identity; I felt my parents were fragile." She tried to provide a stable home; she tried to learn how to play with her daughter - her parents had never played with her. Clearly her daughter senses mother's total devotion to her - that seems to be the main attraction to Judaism, it somehow symbolizes family love. Thus any third generation person I spoke to seems quite aware of his Holocaust origins, in arriving the life-decisions; he has strong feelings about Judaism, or feels he should have, and about belonging to the group, not to marry outside the faith, to continue the traditions. Or he may feel he should tell people about the war. Third generation people tend to see the grandparents as bigger than life, therefore models to emulate. They are people very concerned about making their mark in life, about being perfect. The Holocaust appears in their life as a symbol, a yardstick they carry around. The nature of the emotional involvement of these third generation people with their origins seems connected to the parents' own type of struggle with these origins. In the two second generation families who were told a lot about the war as children, their own (third generation) children struggle with overt conflicts about Judaism; in the second generation families where little was said, one third generation person feels confused about Jewish identity, and both feel a sense of disconnection. Second Generation Parents: Jewish Identity Attitudes towards Jewish identity and Holocaust heritage varied quite a bit. It was difficult though to establish the various dynamics at work. Five women who connected the experience of the war to gloomy feelings at home (whether they were bombarded by talks about the war or it wasn't discussed at all), when growing up tended to experience most difficulties in imparting their Jewish heritage to their children, and in talking about the war. Three other women who had negative attitudes towards their parents' way of bringing them up, nevertheless tried hard to have their children espouse their Jewish heritage. These women had experienced anti-Semitism as children in Europe after WWII. A perception of harmonious family relationships, on the other hand, helped (though it did not guarantee) a positive view of Judaism by these other second generation women. Perhaps it was the keen experience of their parents' pain which was felt differently in these people; for instance, one woman wanted to distance herself from it; another embraced her parents' pain as her own. One important theme was the need for establishing Holocaust boundaries, i.e., the need many second generation had to distance themselves consciously from the Holocaust, and its burden, in bringing up their children. Some married non-Jews, some non-religious Jews. Three second generation distanced themselves from the Holocaust by opting for an "American life" for their children. After all, America is the place for "change," for "future"-oriented people. There is no third generation. Mrs. R. dislikes the idea of her daughter being Jewish as the grandmother would like; she doesn't want any connection to the Holocaust. She wants to weed out victim traits; life is uniquely in the present. When asked about how she speaks about the Holocaust to her children, one woman says it was "their war," not "mine." She will defer discussion. A second woman says, "I will eventually pass it on, in my way, not my parents'. I don't want my children overwhelmed." She too says "I don't want to take on the pain, to be responsible." But she is proud of her ancestors. Maintaining a certain distance from the Holocaust meant also to disentangle Judaism from its Holocaust connotations of death and destruction. [Page 3 of 5]